[these are the facts that he lived with his entire life.
mere months after their adventure outside the castle to save yona from kidnappers, mere months after the time that they all caught colds and spent the days laughing like they would never get older, mere months after some of soo-won's most precious memories - his father died, and he had to investigate that murder.
It can be simple. As long as we're together.
if only that could have been true.
nothing could be simple, because of the ideology held by the adults that came before them. the blood spilled, the ruthless murders, the raw emotion and the betrayals that stained the grounds all around the palace and places in between.
but it would have been nice - if they could keep being together, and not have to worry about anything else.
it would have been nice - if soo-won could have kept this much to himself, and yona never had to know.
he watches her flickers of doubt in front of him, the horror, the trauma, and he wonders what he could say. because even if he could never put yona's box first, it's not as though eh relishes in her fear, her despair. so he struggles to find words but what comes out is - ]
He loved you.
[just as he'd done when the servants were talking about il behind his back, when yona was scared that her father was never going to come for her, he tries to find reassurances in -
the love that did exist.
amidst all the betrayal, love did exist.]
His Majesty Il.
He loved you - and he.... He wrote to my mother, after...
[ . . . ]
It is because he loved you. And there is nothing wrong with loving someone, and treasuring them, and wanting to keep them safe. Even if... Even if I couldn't agree with everything that he chose to do, and the way that he chose to lead—
... I don't... want you to doubt that. Even knowing what he'd done - both... sides of him still exist.
[after all, he loved il too.
yona is so strong, he thinks - and she's only gotten stronger in the time that they've been apart. but something like this - if there is anything in the world that can test a heart... wouldn't it be this?]
both sides of him still exist - is he only talking about her father? or is he talking about himself, too?
the soo-won that was her friend, who protected her when they slipped out of the castle and she got into danger, who cheered her up when she was at her lowest, who she loved; the soo-won that is her enemy, who tore her only other blood relative from her, who chased her out of the castle into danger, who she still can't bring herself to hate...
are they both real?
or was that first soo-won, the kind soo-won that she knew, truly an illusion, as he'd told...
as he'd told...
who?
who had he told?
that man, the one she can't remember? ...the one he'd wanted her to have the doll of, who - why had he wanted her to have that doll...?
because he was trying to look out for her, in that man's place?
her shoulders hunch.]
...you don't have to tell me this.
[...]
You're not... [fuck what was his name] ...him. It's not your job to protect me, or my feelings.
... I know I'm not. [his voice is softer then, less certain - less assured of what he's trying to tell her because she's right. he's not hak. he'll never be hak. to be someone so loyal, so steadfast, so true.... it's not possible for him.] I don't think I ever will be.
[he'll never reach that particular goal. even when it came to reassuring his mother - he could not replace his father. taking on the throne, he could not be the crimson dragon king. even now, speaking to yona - he cannot be the person who would truly be able to take care of her.
his whole life is trying to fill spaces that he will never be enough for.
and yet - he tries.]
.... it's never been my job to do so, nor has it been my right.
[but - he tries anyway. why? because he can't stop himself? because he doesn't know how to do anything else besides care for her, even on the days when he wishes that it would be easier to kill his own heart if it means the aching and the wondering will stop?
he can't do that either. he has a kingdom to lead.]
But I don't speak with you... because I have to.
[it is only ever because - he wants to.
but perhaps that is still too selfish for him to admit.]
[she'd said something similar, last week, to someone else - rather than trying to be just like him, I think you should focus on being the best [redacted] you can be - and that's true in this case, too. there are things that soo-won can do and has done that no one else can, just as there are things that this person she can't remember can do that no one else can.
she keeps her gaze low.]
I never spoke with you out of obligation, either. [...] But it feels... strange, now, trying to talk with you.
[that doesn't mean she doesn't want to.
after all, she's the one who found him first, today. so she doesn't leave, even as the tension between them grows increasingly more awkward.]
...it would feel stranger, if we started avoiding each other again. I don't want that.
for some reason - this is what rattles his resolve. every single time, this girl is what rattles his resolve. when he could not bring himself to move in xing, when he aimed to hide her away from the eyes of others in awa, when he looked over the acts of "bandits" during the revolt of the fire tribe.
his expression falters - into something saddened, into something almost guilty even when he knows that it shouldn't. what right does he have, when he's the one who hurt her?]
I wouldn't blame you if you did.
[if she wanted to run very far away from him, and all that he's done.]
.... I'm not - blind to what has happened, Yona. What I've done. I know - you must want to kill me.
[even if not all his memories are with him - the words they exchanged in awa still are]
But the words I've spoken to you since we've been here....
[.... I want you to live a life much happier than the one I've chosen, Yona.]
at the time, she'd been so angry. she'd reached for his sword, blinded by her own anger. the loss of her father had still been fresh, and raw, and painful.
but she's grown since then. she's had the good fortune to spend her days with yoon and the four dragons (and hak, who she can't remember); she's learned more about the kouka her father ruled over and the kouka that soo-won oversees. she's fought, and struggled, and learned to make tough choices.
the choice of what to do now might be the toughest yet.]
I can't say that the words I said to you were, either.
[...the doll she'd received had been of him, after all.
she'd forgotten what he'd done - but soo-won has always been an important person to her. what had happened wouldn't have hurt as badly as it did he wasn't.]
I'd told you that - a few weeks prior to this, someone had forced me into a position where I was disclosing more information about myself. What I didn't bring up is that... when I spoke to you... it felt stronger than usual.
Like I was meant to share more of myself with you - perhaps in response to how much you expressed worry over me, but I didn't let you.
[but - their relationship was different then. because yona cared about him, and worried over him so openly, and he could embrace her without worrying extensively about what parts they were missing.
it felt like it used to be - like those warm days in the palace when he didn't have to be anyone but soo-won.]
I don't want to rely on you - if it will mean making things harder for you.
You are a reliable person, and you have demonstrated your strength and intellect without a doubt -
[ . . . but?]
.... but I'm not someone who has earned your aide.
[won't it hurt? to help someone that you know was willing to let you suffer?
how could he accept something like that, when all he wants is for her to be happy?]
unfortunately, that just makes yona mad. if there was a solid surface like a table nearby, she'd probably slam her palm down onto it. but i don't think we said there was, so she just clenches her hands into fists instead.]
My life is already hard, Soo-won. There's no changing that.
[the moment she eased her father's door open and saw soo-won with il's blood on his blade, there was no way around it - her life would either be hard, or it would be over.]
Your stubbornness kept us from cooperating right away at Xing. But I— I want to see the things that you're accomplishing with my own eyes, and I want you to see my strength, too.
[...]
We may not have another chance for that, once we go back to Kouka.
[ . . . . . he raises his brows at that, mildly surprised - but... he supposes this is the difference then. of the yona that he used to know, and the yona that is in front of him now.
(.... but is even that much correct? the yona of his childhood did get fussy with him now and again - wanted to be taken seriously. maybe even when he was hiding so much from her and hak - he wanted to protect her happiness for as long as he could.
even if it would come to an end.)
there is a moment where he seems to be clearly thoughtful, analytical.]
.... then - if you wish to cooperate.
.... Yona, are you on Wolf's team and did you kill Yoshizawa when assigned to do so?
Or are you on Tiger's team, and that is why the memory came back to you this weekend?
[ . . . . ]
Both of us must return to Kouka as soon as we can - and to that end, I'm willing to do everything I can, to help the people here as well. Even if you don't trust in me....
That doesn't matter this week, because no one's PHS icon flashed. So either you remembered what happened to His Majesty Il a week ago and you neglected to confront me about the matter, or something returned the memory for you - such as taking a life.
[and so.
which is it?
but there is something - when she says that she can't trust him with his safety, that something flashes briefly in his eyes.]
.... mm.
[he can let her believe that.]
Then.... we'll figure out how to return us both home.
I haven't heard of that. All I know is people said the icon blinks when someone from that team kills, so until you said no one's blinked - I thought that just meant no one from my team killed Yoshizawa.
No, I believe it's a defensive measure to protect Emet-Selch's team, given that he was revealed to be a killer and lived. Thus, no one's team icon has blinked and we have to determine the truth in less straightforward ways.
It may remain that someone on Wolf's team killed Yoshizawa - depending on whether Wolf seemed to get any new information pertaining to the Realm this week. It's likely he got memories regardless.
It's that information about the Realm that I seek, and I've yet to find it.
[too bad ogi's not here for them to bribe for info.]
If he has, he hasn't told me about it yet, but I bother him pretty regularly, so he usually tells me a little bit just to get me to shut up and leave him alone for awhile.
Then if you could continue to do so, that would be easiest. The Leaders aren't obligated to tell the truth - but at least currently I believe that Swan and Goat haven't gotten anything either. Fox is harder to get information from, I'm waiting for a contact to tell me if they've heard otherwise from Rabbit, and I intend to meet with Tiger myself.
But the pieces of information we get each week are rather vital...
Though I'd heard that you got a message from the departed last week - was it not scrambled at all? No letters were missing?
There were letters missing, but it was pretty easy to figure out what they were from context. I was asked to remind people to stop sharing their teams because it was making the Realm unstable.
[since apparently the reminder from the leaders hadn't done the trick!]
Ah, I see. So all messages will be coming in with missing letters then, even if we have the app. I haven't gotten any this week - but I anticipate more coming, especially since more teams are getting the app since we've passed the threshold.
Yours was from Cater, correct? Do you know if she sent one to anyone else?
obviously figured it out. in retrospect, if anyone could, it's him - he knows her handwriting. maybe she should have asked her leader to write it.]
That would make sense. If it's going through PHSes... [but that makes her hum.] I wonder if that's why we weren't able to use the ones that belonged to the dead people. If it's like the rooms at the inn.
[she should probably elaborate on that. she realizes so, and continues - ]
Maybe they have something like the PHSes wherever they are, and it's linked to... them, or to their nova, or something. Since they weren't here anymore, their PHS on our side stopped working, but they have something they can use to communicate with us on their side.
No. I just corrected her that it was probably a participant, rather than someone else.
[he tilts his head]
Did you ask for someone's PHS even though they've already been removed?
But yes, I believe that's correct. They have some way to reach us, but only the messages make it rather than anything else. Otherwise, where they are is dangerous for even Leaders to reach, because the Leaders' memories are put at risk on the journey there.
So this is likely the most communication we'll have with them.
No, I just noticed we weren't able to get them to work at the trials and wondered if it was because they weren't here anymore...
[and she's been wondering about that! but unfortunately britt has been too dead to find the time to ask she just hasn't had a good chance to ask around.]
...mm. I'd like to try and go find them [orpheus them out of the afterlife!!] but if it's dangerous even for the Leaders, I'd probably get yelled at for even suggesting it, wouldn't I?
Ah.... [he tilts his head at that, thoughtful] Well, I can look into it, if you're curious. If both of us ask, we might be able to get more answers.
[so he doesn't mind adding it onto his list of things to look into
as for the rest:]
... while I think it'd be a bit far to suggest you'd get yelled at.... [he's never yelled at yona in his life? who is yelling at yona.] I don't think that's necessarily the method we should use.
Supposedly there is a way to bring them all back - but it comes at a price. And so... what we need to look for is if there are alternatives to that method, or what the price may be.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
dawnblushed) wrote2020-09-25 09:42 pm
no subject
mere months after their adventure outside the castle to save yona from kidnappers, mere months after the time that they all caught colds and spent the days laughing like they would never get older, mere months after some of soo-won's most precious memories - his father died, and he had to investigate that murder.
It can be simple. As long as we're together.
if only that could have been true.
nothing could be simple, because of the ideology held by the adults that came before them. the blood spilled, the ruthless murders, the raw emotion and the betrayals that stained the grounds all around the palace and places in between.
but it would have been nice - if they could keep being together, and not have to worry about anything else.
it would have been nice - if soo-won could have kept this much to himself, and yona never had to know.
he watches her flickers of doubt in front of him, the horror, the trauma, and he wonders what he could say. because even if he could never put yona's box first, it's not as though eh relishes in her fear, her despair. so he struggles to find words but what comes out is - ]
He loved you.
[just as he'd done when the servants were talking about il behind his back, when yona was scared that her father was never going to come for her, he tries to find reassurances in -
the love that did exist.
amidst all the betrayal, love did exist.]
His Majesty Il.
He loved you - and he.... He wrote to my mother, after...
[ . . . ]
It is because he loved you. And there is nothing wrong with loving someone, and treasuring them, and wanting to keep them safe. Even if... Even if I couldn't agree with everything that he chose to do, and the way that he chose to lead—
... I don't... want you to doubt that. Even knowing what he'd done - both... sides of him still exist.
[after all, he loved il too.
yona is so strong, he thinks - and she's only gotten stronger in the time that they've been apart. but something like this - if there is anything in the world that can test a heart... wouldn't it be this?]
no subject
[why is he telling her this?
both sides of him still exist - is he only talking about her father? or is he talking about himself, too?
the soo-won that was her friend, who protected her when they slipped out of the castle and she got into danger, who cheered her up when she was at her lowest, who she loved; the soo-won that is her enemy, who tore her only other blood relative from her, who chased her out of the castle into danger, who she still can't bring herself to hate...
are they both real?
or was that first soo-won, the kind soo-won that she knew, truly an illusion, as he'd told...
as he'd told...
who?
who had he told?
that man, the one she can't remember? ...the one he'd wanted her to have the doll of, who - why had he wanted her to have that doll...?
because he was trying to look out for her, in that man's place?
her shoulders hunch.]
...you don't have to tell me this.
[...]
You're not... [fuck what was his name] ...him. It's not your job to protect me, or my feelings.
no subject
... I know I'm not. [his voice is softer then, less certain - less assured of what he's trying to tell her because she's right. he's not hak. he'll never be hak. to be someone so loyal, so steadfast, so true.... it's not possible for him.] I don't think I ever will be.
[he'll never reach that particular goal. even when it came to reassuring his mother - he could not replace his father. taking on the throne, he could not be the crimson dragon king. even now, speaking to yona - he cannot be the person who would truly be able to take care of her.
his whole life is trying to fill spaces that he will never be enough for.
and yet - he tries.]
.... it's never been my job to do so, nor has it been my right.
[but - he tries anyway. why? because he can't stop himself? because he doesn't know how to do anything else besides care for her, even on the days when he wishes that it would be easier to kill his own heart if it means the aching and the wondering will stop?
he can't do that either. he has a kingdom to lead.]
But I don't speak with you... because I have to.
[it is only ever because - he wants to.
but perhaps that is still too selfish for him to admit.]
no subject
[she'd said something similar, last week, to someone else - rather than trying to be just like him, I think you should focus on being the best [redacted] you can be - and that's true in this case, too. there are things that soo-won can do and has done that no one else can, just as there are things that this person she can't remember can do that no one else can.
she keeps her gaze low.]
I never spoke with you out of obligation, either. [...] But it feels... strange, now, trying to talk with you.
[that doesn't mean she doesn't want to.
after all, she's the one who found him first, today. so she doesn't leave, even as the tension between them grows increasingly more awkward.]
...it would feel stranger, if we started avoiding each other again. I don't want that.
no subject
for some reason - this is what rattles his resolve. every single time, this girl is what rattles his resolve. when he could not bring himself to move in xing, when he aimed to hide her away from the eyes of others in awa, when he looked over the acts of "bandits" during the revolt of the fire tribe.
his expression falters - into something saddened, into something almost guilty even when he knows that it shouldn't. what right does he have, when he's the one who hurt her?]
I wouldn't blame you if you did.
[if she wanted to run very far away from him, and all that he's done.]
.... I'm not - blind to what has happened, Yona. What I've done. I know - you must want to kill me.
[even if not all his memories are with him - the words they exchanged in awa still are]
But the words I've spoken to you since we've been here....
[.... I want you to live a life much happier than the one I've chosen, Yona.]
I cannot say they were dishonest.
no subject
[but does she really want him dead?
she's not sure.
at the time, she'd been so angry. she'd reached for his sword, blinded by her own anger. the loss of her father had still been fresh, and raw, and painful.
but she's grown since then. she's had the good fortune to spend her days with yoon and the four dragons (and hak, who she can't remember); she's learned more about the kouka her father ruled over and the kouka that soo-won oversees. she's fought, and struggled, and learned to make tough choices.
the choice of what to do now might be the toughest yet.]
I can't say that the words I said to you were, either.
[...the doll she'd received had been of him, after all.
she'd forgotten what he'd done - but soo-won has always been an important person to her. what had happened wouldn't have hurt as badly as it did he wasn't.]
...I still want... to be someone you can rely on.
no subject
I'd told you that - a few weeks prior to this, someone had forced me into a position where I was disclosing more information about myself. What I didn't bring up is that... when I spoke to you... it felt stronger than usual.
Like I was meant to share more of myself with you - perhaps in response to how much you expressed worry over me, but I didn't let you.
[but - their relationship was different then. because yona cared about him, and worried over him so openly, and he could embrace her without worrying extensively about what parts they were missing.
it felt like it used to be - like those warm days in the palace when he didn't have to be anyone but soo-won.]
I don't want to rely on you - if it will mean making things harder for you.
You are a reliable person, and you have demonstrated your strength and intellect without a doubt -
[ . . . but?]
.... but I'm not someone who has earned your aide.
[won't it hurt? to help someone that you know was willing to let you suffer?
how could he accept something like that, when all he wants is for her to be happy?]
no subject
unfortunately, that just makes yona mad. if there was a solid surface like a table nearby, she'd probably slam her palm down onto it. but i don't think we said there was, so she just clenches her hands into fists instead.]
My life is already hard, Soo-won. There's no changing that.
[the moment she eased her father's door open and saw soo-won with il's blood on his blade, there was no way around it - her life would either be hard, or it would be over.]
Your stubbornness kept us from cooperating right away at Xing. But I— I want to see the things that you're accomplishing with my own eyes, and I want you to see my strength, too.
[...]
We may not have another chance for that, once we go back to Kouka.
no subject
(.... but is even that much correct? the yona of his childhood did get fussy with him now and again - wanted to be taken seriously. maybe even when he was hiding so much from her and hak - he wanted to protect her happiness for as long as he could.
even if it would come to an end.)
there is a moment where he seems to be clearly thoughtful, analytical.]
.... then - if you wish to cooperate.
.... Yona, are you on Wolf's team and did you kill Yoshizawa when assigned to do so?
Or are you on Tiger's team, and that is why the memory came back to you this weekend?
[ . . . . ]
Both of us must return to Kouka as soon as we can - and to that end, I'm willing to do everything I can, to help the people here as well. Even if you don't trust in me....
I hope you're willing to trust in that.
no subject
I'm on Wolf's team, and if you think any of us killed Yoshizawa, you're wrong. The icon on our PHS didn't flash after the removal.
[so.
there's that.]
I trust that your priority is to get us home. I may not be able to trust you with my safety once we're there, but I can trust in that much, at least.
We'll work out the rest when we get back.
no subject
[and so.
which is it?
but there is something - when she says that she can't trust him with his safety, that something flashes briefly in his eyes.]
.... mm.
[he can let her believe that.]
Then.... we'll figure out how to return us both home.
no subject
I remembered what happened to my father on Sunday, but I haven't taken any lives since we've been here... except Virid's.
[she crosses her arms]
I didn't remember anything after that day, but I've remembered other things twice since then.
no subject
Then all that means is that a second threshold to recover memories exists. I'll verify that.
[but the rest of it.... hm.]
Unless you know of a team's icon that blinked? I don't need to know who told you - only which team.
no subject
I haven't heard of that. All I know is people said the icon blinks when someone from that team kills, so until you said no one's blinked - I thought that just meant no one from my team killed Yoshizawa.
no subject
No, I believe it's a defensive measure to protect Emet-Selch's team, given that he was revealed to be a killer and lived. Thus, no one's team icon has blinked and we have to determine the truth in less straightforward ways.
It may remain that someone on Wolf's team killed Yoshizawa - depending on whether Wolf seemed to get any new information pertaining to the Realm this week. It's likely he got memories regardless.
It's that information about the Realm that I seek, and I've yet to find it.
no subject
If he has, he hasn't told me about it yet, but I bother him pretty regularly, so he usually tells me a little bit just to get me to shut up and leave him alone for awhile.
[she's a bully.]
no subject
But the pieces of information we get each week are rather vital...
Though I'd heard that you got a message from the departed last week - was it not scrambled at all? No letters were missing?
no subject
[since apparently the reminder from the leaders hadn't done the trick!]
no subject
Yours was from Cater, correct? Do you know if she sent one to anyone else?
no subject
Nobody really wrote anything important for me to pass on in response to those signs, either. Mainly, it was people wishing the dead well.
no subject
[so he heard about her multitude of messages]
I currently believe that the departed can send about two messages each week - the same as we can. So we'll see when they come, and in what format.
[ . . . ]
Then - I'll be relying on you, in trying to determine how we ought to proceed.
[because at least in terms of how to best help everyone here - they can agree on that as a common goal.
it's just their interpersonal relationship that's a bit more complicated]
no subject
[since he'd
obviously figured it out. in retrospect, if anyone could, it's him - he knows her handwriting. maybe she should have asked her leader to write it.]
That would make sense. If it's going through PHSes... [but that makes her hum.] I wonder if that's why we weren't able to use the ones that belonged to the dead people. If it's like the rooms at the inn.
[she should probably elaborate on that. she realizes so, and continues - ]
Maybe they have something like the PHSes wherever they are, and it's linked to... them, or to their nova, or something. Since they weren't here anymore, their PHS on our side stopped working, but they have something they can use to communicate with us on their side.
no subject
[he tilts his head]
Did you ask for someone's PHS even though they've already been removed?
But yes, I believe that's correct. They have some way to reach us, but only the messages make it rather than anything else. Otherwise, where they are is dangerous for even Leaders to reach, because the Leaders' memories are put at risk on the journey there.
So this is likely the most communication we'll have with them.
no subject
[and she's been wondering about that! but unfortunately
britt has been too dead to find the time to askshe just hasn't had a good chance to ask around.]...mm. I'd like to try and go find them [orpheus them out of the afterlife!!] but if it's dangerous even for the Leaders, I'd probably get yelled at for even suggesting it, wouldn't I?
no subject
[so he doesn't mind adding it onto his list of things to look into
as for the rest:]
... while I think it'd be a bit far to suggest you'd get yelled at.... [he's never yelled at yona in his life? who is yelling at yona.] I don't think that's necessarily the method we should use.
Supposedly there is a way to bring them all back - but it comes at a price. And so... what we need to look for is if there are alternatives to that method, or what the price may be.
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)