[ . . . they'd talked about this before, hadn't they? that the thing that the two of them forgot - that it might have something to do with the state of the kingdom. it might have something to do with a truth that would tear them apart. it had something to do with parts of soo-won's life that he couldn't admit to her before.
could he admit them to her now? what difference would it make?]
.... I will endure, because I know the choices that I have made in my life will not allow me to live peacefully or die happily.
["will you continue to cause harm upon that person?" min-soo had asked him.
she's standing in front of him now, and he can only think of how he would like to prevent further harm from coming to her - but.
here he is, with honesty that will only hurt worse]
Your memories, feelings, and all that might come as a result of my actions....
I am not blind to them. [no matter how he much he has to pretend that he is - that he doesn't notice what she does] I will accept what comes my way.
they're choices soo-won has made, certainly. but. but. those choices really don't affect anyone here but the two of them. there's no reason why he should have to accept someone else's judgment for it, not when she doesn't want to tell anyone what he did.
not when there's so much more at stake.
not when he doesn't even fully remember what he did, although he may remember the circumstances that led to it.]
Soo-won, I-
[well, whatever she is -
she accidentally pops one of the memory bubbles that drifts nearby as she's gesturing to him, and suddenly they're in ogi's place.
haha, oops. she wasn't planning to tell him she'd pawned off his gift (or even that she had kept it for so long, though she doesn't know he saw it at the forts), but now he knows!]
it startles him. to see those faces, all interacting with each other. he'd had a suspicion, since that message arrived at the castle from ogi and - that day, he also decided that he couldn't see him anymore. he'd gotten too close to the truth.
it is a combination of things. the knowledge that the wind tribe would be willing to commit treason for hak at a moment's notice, the fact that ogi finds it difficult to forgive him for wha the's done, and then - the bartering of her hair ornament that he'd given her on that fateful day.
perhaps it's because of all that - that he can't control his expression in the moment that comes after. the sadness, the guilt, the understanding.
so that's what it took, to interfere at xing.]
.... all I do is put you in difficult positions.
[despite how much he wants her to be far away from his sight, from his reach, from anything to do with him.]
she could have stayed hidden - remained in fuuga, perhaps, never leaving the town so that no one would have cause to search for her. or stayed in xing, after peace was achieved. or even simply fled the country, period -
but that would be the easy way out.
so much of her life had been easy. it's important for her to have learned that not everything in life will be.]
because it's true that soo-won doesn't get to have feelings like regret. not when everything about his advancement to the throne was planned, painstakingly, over the course of ten years. no matter what memories this place has taken from him - that one remains.
but - ]
... just because you don't regret something doesn't mean it won't cause you pain to go through it. Reason and emotion are not so friendly with each other.
...I wish you hadn't been so difficult to convince.
[she can admit that much, can't she?
it would have been better, if she could have met with him. if she'd been able to convince him to meet with the xing princesses in peace. kouren's grudge against his father - and him, by proxy - had been so strong, but...
...ultimately, they'd overcome that.
but it would have been nice, if they'd been able to overcome it without having to involve people that soo-won once trusted, and without risking the possibility of the wind tribe committing treason. it would have been nice, had she not had to convince tae-jun to light that signal, too.
(although that had worked out for the best, too, in the end.)]
Whatever is between us, I...
[she frowns.]
...I know we both want what is best for Kouka. That's... what's important.
[ . . . . the irony is that to someone else here - they'd asked him, about mistakes that he'd made.
to them, he'd said "I once let war and strategy come to me first, rather than believing in humanity." he'd recounted their experience of xing, where it took yona suggesting that yu-hon was not fit to be king in order for something to shake him. yona's right.
now that he's on the other side - with xing as a vassal kingdom and peace at the southern border - he... wishes he wasn't so difficult to convince in that moment too.
[a bubble bumps into his back. there's no telling what he could've said next - because instead a memory plays:
You are nine years old, and you are breaking into your father’s grave.
Not by accident, but by design.
Darkness provides cover for you to break into the royal family’s mausoleum, where your father was entombed along with his father, and his mother, and all the royals before him. Your father, who was originally meant to be king, before he was passed over by his younger brother; your father, who did not care for rank and wanted only to serve his country; your father, who would not die in an accident.
Kye-sook’s story sits with you – what the man witnessed with his own eyes. Even as you muscle open the coffin with your small hands, with your hands who are dirtied by this act of desecration, you think about what your father would have wanted. What he would have thought, if he could see you now.
“If we don’t apply our reasoning with efficiency to swiftly arrive at answers, the country will be ruined.”
The people are saying that Lord Yu-hon died by accident. An eyewitness said that he was murdered.
To swiftly arrive at an answer, the simplest way would be to check the corpse.
Your father is broken.
His body is mangled, bloodied, and torn. His skin is cold and ripped in places where tree branches punctured him upon his fall. He is not your gallant father, who would tell you to beat your colds into submission, or lavish you with praise when you finished another book.
At first glance, it would look like an accident.
You turn him onto his back.
It takes time, but your fingers eventually run across it – a wound that is in the middle of his back, the incision wide and deep, of a blade that ran through his body.
You think of what Kye-sook said he saw. The report that he gave to you before you entered this place, and the words exchanged by your father and uncle.
Uncle Il will entrust this country to gods he has never met, and hope that will be enough to serve the people.
You think of the strategy books you’ve read as a child. Economics, agriculture, trade, war strategy – all necessary items to consider in the ruling of a kingdom. There are no chapters on the gods providing rescue.
You hope that Uncle Il’s rule is fair, and he will wake up from this dream of godly rule.
You lay your father back into his resting place, you don’t cry.
(You want to cry. Your mother hasn’t stopped crying since the day your father was taken. You have to be strong for her, who has become so afraid – you want to go back to vibrant days, but if they’ll never return, you have to give vibrant days. You know you can’t cry. You know you can’t cry.)
There is no waking up from this.
and - once it's over, his eyes widen. for once, he cannot hold his expression back. no, he could've held onto this memory by himself, all his life but.
of all people, he wishes that yona hadn't seen it.]
there's a lot to unpack there. some of it, she really shouldn't be surprised by. after all, soo-won had told her himself: "do you understand? king il, who was thought to hate weapons and avoid conflict, killed my father with a sword."
selfishly, she hadn't wanted it to be true. selfishly, she'd wanted it to be some sort of misunderstanding. lies told by someone in his faction, someone who wanted more power. she would have believed it of kye-sook, after all his machinations behind the scenes of soo-won's rise to power, but she can't deny what soo-won saw with his own eyes.
what she saw, now, through his.
because of her mother's death...
because of her father's fervent belief that she would gather the dragons and protect the country with divine might, they couldn't come to an agreement?
because of that, his father had to die? her uncle had to die?
because of that, so much of this was set into motion...
she takes a deep breath, and tries to speak, but the words won't come out. this time, though, it's not because the realm has stolen her voice. it's because she simply doesn't know what to say.]
[these are the facts that he lived with his entire life.
mere months after their adventure outside the castle to save yona from kidnappers, mere months after the time that they all caught colds and spent the days laughing like they would never get older, mere months after some of soo-won's most precious memories - his father died, and he had to investigate that murder.
It can be simple. As long as we're together.
if only that could have been true.
nothing could be simple, because of the ideology held by the adults that came before them. the blood spilled, the ruthless murders, the raw emotion and the betrayals that stained the grounds all around the palace and places in between.
but it would have been nice - if they could keep being together, and not have to worry about anything else.
it would have been nice - if soo-won could have kept this much to himself, and yona never had to know.
he watches her flickers of doubt in front of him, the horror, the trauma, and he wonders what he could say. because even if he could never put yona's box first, it's not as though eh relishes in her fear, her despair. so he struggles to find words but what comes out is - ]
He loved you.
[just as he'd done when the servants were talking about il behind his back, when yona was scared that her father was never going to come for her, he tries to find reassurances in -
the love that did exist.
amidst all the betrayal, love did exist.]
His Majesty Il.
He loved you - and he.... He wrote to my mother, after...
[ . . . ]
It is because he loved you. And there is nothing wrong with loving someone, and treasuring them, and wanting to keep them safe. Even if... Even if I couldn't agree with everything that he chose to do, and the way that he chose to lead—
... I don't... want you to doubt that. Even knowing what he'd done - both... sides of him still exist.
[after all, he loved il too.
yona is so strong, he thinks - and she's only gotten stronger in the time that they've been apart. but something like this - if there is anything in the world that can test a heart... wouldn't it be this?]
both sides of him still exist - is he only talking about her father? or is he talking about himself, too?
the soo-won that was her friend, who protected her when they slipped out of the castle and she got into danger, who cheered her up when she was at her lowest, who she loved; the soo-won that is her enemy, who tore her only other blood relative from her, who chased her out of the castle into danger, who she still can't bring herself to hate...
are they both real?
or was that first soo-won, the kind soo-won that she knew, truly an illusion, as he'd told...
as he'd told...
who?
who had he told?
that man, the one she can't remember? ...the one he'd wanted her to have the doll of, who - why had he wanted her to have that doll...?
because he was trying to look out for her, in that man's place?
her shoulders hunch.]
...you don't have to tell me this.
[...]
You're not... [fuck what was his name] ...him. It's not your job to protect me, or my feelings.
... I know I'm not. [his voice is softer then, less certain - less assured of what he's trying to tell her because she's right. he's not hak. he'll never be hak. to be someone so loyal, so steadfast, so true.... it's not possible for him.] I don't think I ever will be.
[he'll never reach that particular goal. even when it came to reassuring his mother - he could not replace his father. taking on the throne, he could not be the crimson dragon king. even now, speaking to yona - he cannot be the person who would truly be able to take care of her.
his whole life is trying to fill spaces that he will never be enough for.
and yet - he tries.]
.... it's never been my job to do so, nor has it been my right.
[but - he tries anyway. why? because he can't stop himself? because he doesn't know how to do anything else besides care for her, even on the days when he wishes that it would be easier to kill his own heart if it means the aching and the wondering will stop?
he can't do that either. he has a kingdom to lead.]
But I don't speak with you... because I have to.
[it is only ever because - he wants to.
but perhaps that is still too selfish for him to admit.]
[she'd said something similar, last week, to someone else - rather than trying to be just like him, I think you should focus on being the best [redacted] you can be - and that's true in this case, too. there are things that soo-won can do and has done that no one else can, just as there are things that this person she can't remember can do that no one else can.
she keeps her gaze low.]
I never spoke with you out of obligation, either. [...] But it feels... strange, now, trying to talk with you.
[that doesn't mean she doesn't want to.
after all, she's the one who found him first, today. so she doesn't leave, even as the tension between them grows increasingly more awkward.]
...it would feel stranger, if we started avoiding each other again. I don't want that.
for some reason - this is what rattles his resolve. every single time, this girl is what rattles his resolve. when he could not bring himself to move in xing, when he aimed to hide her away from the eyes of others in awa, when he looked over the acts of "bandits" during the revolt of the fire tribe.
his expression falters - into something saddened, into something almost guilty even when he knows that it shouldn't. what right does he have, when he's the one who hurt her?]
I wouldn't blame you if you did.
[if she wanted to run very far away from him, and all that he's done.]
.... I'm not - blind to what has happened, Yona. What I've done. I know - you must want to kill me.
[even if not all his memories are with him - the words they exchanged in awa still are]
But the words I've spoken to you since we've been here....
[.... I want you to live a life much happier than the one I've chosen, Yona.]
at the time, she'd been so angry. she'd reached for his sword, blinded by her own anger. the loss of her father had still been fresh, and raw, and painful.
but she's grown since then. she's had the good fortune to spend her days with yoon and the four dragons (and hak, who she can't remember); she's learned more about the kouka her father ruled over and the kouka that soo-won oversees. she's fought, and struggled, and learned to make tough choices.
the choice of what to do now might be the toughest yet.]
I can't say that the words I said to you were, either.
[...the doll she'd received had been of him, after all.
she'd forgotten what he'd done - but soo-won has always been an important person to her. what had happened wouldn't have hurt as badly as it did he wasn't.]
I'd told you that - a few weeks prior to this, someone had forced me into a position where I was disclosing more information about myself. What I didn't bring up is that... when I spoke to you... it felt stronger than usual.
Like I was meant to share more of myself with you - perhaps in response to how much you expressed worry over me, but I didn't let you.
[but - their relationship was different then. because yona cared about him, and worried over him so openly, and he could embrace her without worrying extensively about what parts they were missing.
it felt like it used to be - like those warm days in the palace when he didn't have to be anyone but soo-won.]
I don't want to rely on you - if it will mean making things harder for you.
You are a reliable person, and you have demonstrated your strength and intellect without a doubt -
[ . . . but?]
.... but I'm not someone who has earned your aide.
[won't it hurt? to help someone that you know was willing to let you suffer?
how could he accept something like that, when all he wants is for her to be happy?]
unfortunately, that just makes yona mad. if there was a solid surface like a table nearby, she'd probably slam her palm down onto it. but i don't think we said there was, so she just clenches her hands into fists instead.]
My life is already hard, Soo-won. There's no changing that.
[the moment she eased her father's door open and saw soo-won with il's blood on his blade, there was no way around it - her life would either be hard, or it would be over.]
Your stubbornness kept us from cooperating right away at Xing. But I— I want to see the things that you're accomplishing with my own eyes, and I want you to see my strength, too.
[...]
We may not have another chance for that, once we go back to Kouka.
[ . . . . . he raises his brows at that, mildly surprised - but... he supposes this is the difference then. of the yona that he used to know, and the yona that is in front of him now.
(.... but is even that much correct? the yona of his childhood did get fussy with him now and again - wanted to be taken seriously. maybe even when he was hiding so much from her and hak - he wanted to protect her happiness for as long as he could.
even if it would come to an end.)
there is a moment where he seems to be clearly thoughtful, analytical.]
.... then - if you wish to cooperate.
.... Yona, are you on Wolf's team and did you kill Yoshizawa when assigned to do so?
Or are you on Tiger's team, and that is why the memory came back to you this weekend?
[ . . . . ]
Both of us must return to Kouka as soon as we can - and to that end, I'm willing to do everything I can, to help the people here as well. Even if you don't trust in me....
That doesn't matter this week, because no one's PHS icon flashed. So either you remembered what happened to His Majesty Il a week ago and you neglected to confront me about the matter, or something returned the memory for you - such as taking a life.
[and so.
which is it?
but there is something - when she says that she can't trust him with his safety, that something flashes briefly in his eyes.]
.... mm.
[he can let her believe that.]
Then.... we'll figure out how to return us both home.
I haven't heard of that. All I know is people said the icon blinks when someone from that team kills, so until you said no one's blinked - I thought that just meant no one from my team killed Yoshizawa.
No, I believe it's a defensive measure to protect Emet-Selch's team, given that he was revealed to be a killer and lived. Thus, no one's team icon has blinked and we have to determine the truth in less straightforward ways.
It may remain that someone on Wolf's team killed Yoshizawa - depending on whether Wolf seemed to get any new information pertaining to the Realm this week. It's likely he got memories regardless.
It's that information about the Realm that I seek, and I've yet to find it.
[too bad ogi's not here for them to bribe for info.]
If he has, he hasn't told me about it yet, but I bother him pretty regularly, so he usually tells me a little bit just to get me to shut up and leave him alone for awhile.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
dawnblushed) wrote2020-09-25 09:42 pm
no subject
.... you're very kind to warn me.
But whatever it is that happened, I....
[ . . . they'd talked about this before, hadn't they? that the thing that the two of them forgot - that it might have something to do with the state of the kingdom. it might have something to do with a truth that would tear them apart. it had something to do with parts of soo-won's life that he couldn't admit to her before.
could he admit them to her now? what difference would it make?]
.... I will endure, because I know the choices that I have made in my life will not allow me to live peacefully or die happily.
["will you continue to cause harm upon that person?" min-soo had asked him.
she's standing in front of him now, and he can only think of how he would like to prevent further harm from coming to her - but.
here he is, with honesty that will only hurt worse]
Your memories, feelings, and all that might come as a result of my actions....
I am not blind to them. [no matter how he much he has to pretend that he is - that he doesn't notice what she does] I will accept what comes my way.
no subject
they're choices soo-won has made, certainly. but. but. those choices really don't affect anyone here but the two of them. there's no reason why he should have to accept someone else's judgment for it, not when she doesn't want to tell anyone what he did.
not when there's so much more at stake.
not when he doesn't even fully remember what he did, although he may remember the circumstances that led to it.]
Soo-won, I-
[well, whatever she is -
she accidentally pops one of the memory bubbles that drifts nearby as she's gesturing to him, and suddenly they're in ogi's place.
haha, oops. she wasn't planning to tell him she'd pawned off his gift (or even that she had kept it for so long, though she doesn't know he saw it at the forts), but now he knows!]
no subject
it startles him. to see those faces, all interacting with each other. he'd had a suspicion, since that message arrived at the castle from ogi and - that day, he also decided that he couldn't see him anymore. he'd gotten too close to the truth.
it is a combination of things. the knowledge that the wind tribe would be willing to commit treason for hak at a moment's notice, the fact that ogi finds it difficult to forgive him for wha the's done, and then - the bartering of her hair ornament that he'd given her on that fateful day.
perhaps it's because of all that - that he can't control his expression in the moment that comes after. the sadness, the guilt, the understanding.
so that's what it took, to interfere at xing.]
.... all I do is put you in difficult positions.
[despite how much he wants her to be far away from his sight, from his reach, from anything to do with him.]
no subject
[she could have kept running.
she could have stayed hidden - remained in fuuga, perhaps, never leaving the town so that no one would have cause to search for her. or stayed in xing, after peace was achieved. or even simply fled the country, period -
but that would be the easy way out.
so much of her life had been easy. it's important for her to have learned that not everything in life will be.]
I did what I had to, and I don't regret it.
...but you understand that, don't you.
no subject
because it's true that soo-won doesn't get to have feelings like regret. not when everything about his advancement to the throne was planned, painstakingly, over the course of ten years. no matter what memories this place has taken from him - that one remains.
but - ]
... just because you don't regret something doesn't mean it won't cause you pain to go through it. Reason and emotion are not so friendly with each other.
[he means it more for her than himself.
obviously.]
... ultimately you were right, with Xing.
You did nothing worth regretting.
no subject
[she can admit that much, can't she?
it would have been better, if she could have met with him. if she'd been able to convince him to meet with the xing princesses in peace. kouren's grudge against his father - and him, by proxy - had been so strong, but...
...ultimately, they'd overcome that.
but it would have been nice, if they'd been able to overcome it without having to involve people that soo-won once trusted, and without risking the possibility of the wind tribe committing treason. it would have been nice, had she not had to convince tae-jun to light that signal, too.
(although that had worked out for the best, too, in the end.)]
Whatever is between us, I...
[she frowns.]
...I know we both want what is best for Kouka. That's... what's important.
[1/2]
to them, he'd said "I once let war and strategy come to me first, rather than believing in humanity." he'd recounted their experience of xing, where it took yona suggesting that yu-hon was not fit to be king in order for something to shake him. yona's right.
now that he's on the other side - with xing as a vassal kingdom and peace at the southern border - he... wishes he wasn't so difficult to convince in that moment too.
but even if she can admit that much -
can he?]
... Yona, I—
no subject
You are nine years old, and you are breaking into your father’s grave.
Not by accident, but by design.
Darkness provides cover for you to break into the royal family’s mausoleum, where your father was entombed along with his father, and his mother, and all the royals before him. Your father, who was originally meant to be king, before he was passed over by his younger brother; your father, who did not care for rank and wanted only to serve his country; your father, who would not die in an accident.
Kye-sook’s story sits with you – what the man witnessed with his own eyes. Even as you muscle open the coffin with your small hands, with your hands who are dirtied by this act of desecration, you think about what your father would have wanted. What he would have thought, if he could see you now.
“If we don’t apply our reasoning with efficiency to swiftly arrive at answers, the country will be ruined.”
The people are saying that Lord Yu-hon died by accident. An eyewitness said that he was murdered.
To swiftly arrive at an answer, the simplest way would be to check the corpse.
Your father is broken.
His body is mangled, bloodied, and torn. His skin is cold and ripped in places where tree branches punctured him upon his fall. He is not your gallant father, who would tell you to beat your colds into submission, or lavish you with praise when you finished another book.
At first glance, it would look like an accident.
You turn him onto his back.
It takes time, but your fingers eventually run across it – a wound that is in the middle of his back, the incision wide and deep, of a blade that ran through his body.
You think of what Kye-sook said he saw. The report that he gave to you before you entered this place, and the words exchanged by your father and uncle.
“If you rule righteously as king, I’ll gladly swear my loyalty to you! I’ll dedicate whatever life I have left to you! But don’t clutch at a useless straw of hope in a position like yours!! Do you think you can entrust our country to the gods!?”
You know it then.
Uncle Il killed your father.
Uncle Il will entrust this country to gods he has never met, and hope that will be enough to serve the people.
You think of the strategy books you’ve read as a child. Economics, agriculture, trade, war strategy – all necessary items to consider in the ruling of a kingdom. There are no chapters on the gods providing rescue.
You hope that Uncle Il’s rule is fair, and he will wake up from this dream of godly rule.
You lay your father back into his resting place, you don’t cry.
(You want to cry. Your mother hasn’t stopped crying since the day your father was taken. You have to be strong for her, who has become so afraid – you want to go back to vibrant days, but if they’ll never return, you have to give vibrant days. You know you can’t cry. You know you can’t cry.)
There is no waking up from this.
and - once it's over, his eyes widen. for once, he cannot hold his expression back. no, he could've held onto this memory by himself, all his life but.
of all people, he wishes that yona hadn't seen it.]
no subject
yona kind of wishes she hadn't seen it, too!
there's a lot to unpack there. some of it, she really shouldn't be surprised by. after all, soo-won had told her himself: "do you understand? king il, who was thought to hate weapons and avoid conflict, killed my father with a sword."
selfishly, she hadn't wanted it to be true. selfishly, she'd wanted it to be some sort of misunderstanding. lies told by someone in his faction, someone who wanted more power. she would have believed it of kye-sook, after all his machinations behind the scenes of soo-won's rise to power, but she can't deny what soo-won saw with his own eyes.
what she saw, now, through his.
because of her mother's death...
because of her father's fervent belief that she would gather the dragons and protect the country with divine might, they couldn't come to an agreement?
because of that, his father had to die? her uncle had to die?
because of that, so much of this was set into motion...
she takes a deep breath, and tries to speak, but the words won't come out. this time, though, it's not because the realm has stolen her voice. it's because she simply doesn't know what to say.]
no subject
mere months after their adventure outside the castle to save yona from kidnappers, mere months after the time that they all caught colds and spent the days laughing like they would never get older, mere months after some of soo-won's most precious memories - his father died, and he had to investigate that murder.
It can be simple. As long as we're together.
if only that could have been true.
nothing could be simple, because of the ideology held by the adults that came before them. the blood spilled, the ruthless murders, the raw emotion and the betrayals that stained the grounds all around the palace and places in between.
but it would have been nice - if they could keep being together, and not have to worry about anything else.
it would have been nice - if soo-won could have kept this much to himself, and yona never had to know.
he watches her flickers of doubt in front of him, the horror, the trauma, and he wonders what he could say. because even if he could never put yona's box first, it's not as though eh relishes in her fear, her despair. so he struggles to find words but what comes out is - ]
He loved you.
[just as he'd done when the servants were talking about il behind his back, when yona was scared that her father was never going to come for her, he tries to find reassurances in -
the love that did exist.
amidst all the betrayal, love did exist.]
His Majesty Il.
He loved you - and he.... He wrote to my mother, after...
[ . . . ]
It is because he loved you. And there is nothing wrong with loving someone, and treasuring them, and wanting to keep them safe. Even if... Even if I couldn't agree with everything that he chose to do, and the way that he chose to lead—
... I don't... want you to doubt that. Even knowing what he'd done - both... sides of him still exist.
[after all, he loved il too.
yona is so strong, he thinks - and she's only gotten stronger in the time that they've been apart. but something like this - if there is anything in the world that can test a heart... wouldn't it be this?]
no subject
[why is he telling her this?
both sides of him still exist - is he only talking about her father? or is he talking about himself, too?
the soo-won that was her friend, who protected her when they slipped out of the castle and she got into danger, who cheered her up when she was at her lowest, who she loved; the soo-won that is her enemy, who tore her only other blood relative from her, who chased her out of the castle into danger, who she still can't bring herself to hate...
are they both real?
or was that first soo-won, the kind soo-won that she knew, truly an illusion, as he'd told...
as he'd told...
who?
who had he told?
that man, the one she can't remember? ...the one he'd wanted her to have the doll of, who - why had he wanted her to have that doll...?
because he was trying to look out for her, in that man's place?
her shoulders hunch.]
...you don't have to tell me this.
[...]
You're not... [fuck what was his name] ...him. It's not your job to protect me, or my feelings.
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... I know I'm not. [his voice is softer then, less certain - less assured of what he's trying to tell her because she's right. he's not hak. he'll never be hak. to be someone so loyal, so steadfast, so true.... it's not possible for him.] I don't think I ever will be.
[he'll never reach that particular goal. even when it came to reassuring his mother - he could not replace his father. taking on the throne, he could not be the crimson dragon king. even now, speaking to yona - he cannot be the person who would truly be able to take care of her.
his whole life is trying to fill spaces that he will never be enough for.
and yet - he tries.]
.... it's never been my job to do so, nor has it been my right.
[but - he tries anyway. why? because he can't stop himself? because he doesn't know how to do anything else besides care for her, even on the days when he wishes that it would be easier to kill his own heart if it means the aching and the wondering will stop?
he can't do that either. he has a kingdom to lead.]
But I don't speak with you... because I have to.
[it is only ever because - he wants to.
but perhaps that is still too selfish for him to admit.]
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[she'd said something similar, last week, to someone else - rather than trying to be just like him, I think you should focus on being the best [redacted] you can be - and that's true in this case, too. there are things that soo-won can do and has done that no one else can, just as there are things that this person she can't remember can do that no one else can.
she keeps her gaze low.]
I never spoke with you out of obligation, either. [...] But it feels... strange, now, trying to talk with you.
[that doesn't mean she doesn't want to.
after all, she's the one who found him first, today. so she doesn't leave, even as the tension between them grows increasingly more awkward.]
...it would feel stranger, if we started avoiding each other again. I don't want that.
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for some reason - this is what rattles his resolve. every single time, this girl is what rattles his resolve. when he could not bring himself to move in xing, when he aimed to hide her away from the eyes of others in awa, when he looked over the acts of "bandits" during the revolt of the fire tribe.
his expression falters - into something saddened, into something almost guilty even when he knows that it shouldn't. what right does he have, when he's the one who hurt her?]
I wouldn't blame you if you did.
[if she wanted to run very far away from him, and all that he's done.]
.... I'm not - blind to what has happened, Yona. What I've done. I know - you must want to kill me.
[even if not all his memories are with him - the words they exchanged in awa still are]
But the words I've spoken to you since we've been here....
[.... I want you to live a life much happier than the one I've chosen, Yona.]
I cannot say they were dishonest.
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[but does she really want him dead?
she's not sure.
at the time, she'd been so angry. she'd reached for his sword, blinded by her own anger. the loss of her father had still been fresh, and raw, and painful.
but she's grown since then. she's had the good fortune to spend her days with yoon and the four dragons (and hak, who she can't remember); she's learned more about the kouka her father ruled over and the kouka that soo-won oversees. she's fought, and struggled, and learned to make tough choices.
the choice of what to do now might be the toughest yet.]
I can't say that the words I said to you were, either.
[...the doll she'd received had been of him, after all.
she'd forgotten what he'd done - but soo-won has always been an important person to her. what had happened wouldn't have hurt as badly as it did he wasn't.]
...I still want... to be someone you can rely on.
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I'd told you that - a few weeks prior to this, someone had forced me into a position where I was disclosing more information about myself. What I didn't bring up is that... when I spoke to you... it felt stronger than usual.
Like I was meant to share more of myself with you - perhaps in response to how much you expressed worry over me, but I didn't let you.
[but - their relationship was different then. because yona cared about him, and worried over him so openly, and he could embrace her without worrying extensively about what parts they were missing.
it felt like it used to be - like those warm days in the palace when he didn't have to be anyone but soo-won.]
I don't want to rely on you - if it will mean making things harder for you.
You are a reliable person, and you have demonstrated your strength and intellect without a doubt -
[ . . . but?]
.... but I'm not someone who has earned your aide.
[won't it hurt? to help someone that you know was willing to let you suffer?
how could he accept something like that, when all he wants is for her to be happy?]
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unfortunately, that just makes yona mad. if there was a solid surface like a table nearby, she'd probably slam her palm down onto it. but i don't think we said there was, so she just clenches her hands into fists instead.]
My life is already hard, Soo-won. There's no changing that.
[the moment she eased her father's door open and saw soo-won with il's blood on his blade, there was no way around it - her life would either be hard, or it would be over.]
Your stubbornness kept us from cooperating right away at Xing. But I— I want to see the things that you're accomplishing with my own eyes, and I want you to see my strength, too.
[...]
We may not have another chance for that, once we go back to Kouka.
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(.... but is even that much correct? the yona of his childhood did get fussy with him now and again - wanted to be taken seriously. maybe even when he was hiding so much from her and hak - he wanted to protect her happiness for as long as he could.
even if it would come to an end.)
there is a moment where he seems to be clearly thoughtful, analytical.]
.... then - if you wish to cooperate.
.... Yona, are you on Wolf's team and did you kill Yoshizawa when assigned to do so?
Or are you on Tiger's team, and that is why the memory came back to you this weekend?
[ . . . . ]
Both of us must return to Kouka as soon as we can - and to that end, I'm willing to do everything I can, to help the people here as well. Even if you don't trust in me....
I hope you're willing to trust in that.
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I'm on Wolf's team, and if you think any of us killed Yoshizawa, you're wrong. The icon on our PHS didn't flash after the removal.
[so.
there's that.]
I trust that your priority is to get us home. I may not be able to trust you with my safety once we're there, but I can trust in that much, at least.
We'll work out the rest when we get back.
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[and so.
which is it?
but there is something - when she says that she can't trust him with his safety, that something flashes briefly in his eyes.]
.... mm.
[he can let her believe that.]
Then.... we'll figure out how to return us both home.
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I remembered what happened to my father on Sunday, but I haven't taken any lives since we've been here... except Virid's.
[she crosses her arms]
I didn't remember anything after that day, but I've remembered other things twice since then.
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Then all that means is that a second threshold to recover memories exists. I'll verify that.
[but the rest of it.... hm.]
Unless you know of a team's icon that blinked? I don't need to know who told you - only which team.
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I haven't heard of that. All I know is people said the icon blinks when someone from that team kills, so until you said no one's blinked - I thought that just meant no one from my team killed Yoshizawa.
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No, I believe it's a defensive measure to protect Emet-Selch's team, given that he was revealed to be a killer and lived. Thus, no one's team icon has blinked and we have to determine the truth in less straightforward ways.
It may remain that someone on Wolf's team killed Yoshizawa - depending on whether Wolf seemed to get any new information pertaining to the Realm this week. It's likely he got memories regardless.
It's that information about the Realm that I seek, and I've yet to find it.
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If he has, he hasn't told me about it yet, but I bother him pretty regularly, so he usually tells me a little bit just to get me to shut up and leave him alone for awhile.
[she's a bully.]
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